You always want what you can’t have and will always have what you don’t want.

Training to be a counsellor is one of the questionable things I’ve probably done so far but yet the most rewarding. I find myself sometimes completely confused with what the hell I’m doing with my life, because it really is true, one half of your mates is getting married, having kids, buying houses and the other half are in Australia, Canada, America, living the care free life, partying it away like there is literally no care in the world. There is no right way of living, it just seems to get harder to know what the right way is the older you get.

I honestly think your 20’s is the most fucked up place to be. I know I’m biased because I’m in it and I haven’t yet experienced a mid life crisis in my 50’s or anything in between that. However, experiencing where I’m at now, it’s like a constant battle with making the right decision or being too scared to make the wrong one. I talked about having different versions of myself and we all just argue constantly, trying to make sense of the world but when does it ever really get any easier?

I know when I want something I focus on getting that one thing and nothing else really matters. I completely forget about everything else around me and live my life working towards one goal. I used to do an office job and I absolutely hated it, chain me to desk and I will go bonkers. I’m so fidgety and I have no real attention span so I day dream a lot and get distracted so easily. I always dreamed about wanting to be out there helping people like me and going home feeling like I made a difference.

Well, now I’m bloody in that position, I want to go back to what I done before. I used to have such a luxury life which included getting my hair done on the reg, nails, eyebrows, teeth whitening, gym, decent meals, good sleep, no stress, yet I completely under appreciated it all. It didn’t give me any satisfaction, what I wanted to feel, was making a difference to others, because alleviating someone else’s pain like I’ve experienced myself, meant more to me than how I looked. Yet now I have the experience, I don’t seem to want it anymore or at least need a break from it.

Since working in bereavement at the hospital, it’s been such an eye opener. I have learnt so much and been really touched by so many families. I feel completely honoured to be part of such a vulnerable time in people’s lives. I always get asked the question of how do you do this job? It must be so hard….. short answer, yeah it is but long answer, it’s a part of life. It makes you see things completely different and value life in a different way. Don’t get me wrong, I have days where I can’t breathe and panic but I have an amazing team around me who all feel the same and are open and upfront which makes it that little bit easier. It really is true, what they say, when a problem is shared it’s halved. Being able to identify with others or at least relate makes you feel like you’re not alone.

I guess out of all of this, balance is really key. Mental health is such a struggle day to day and I know being me, it involves wanting what I can’t have and not appreciating what I already got. I have the job I’ve always wanted but I still want a slice of my previous life that I took for granted. I’m clearly not there yet with getting the balance right but will I ever be? Don’t focus your energy on one thing in life because you will either get burn out like I’m experiencing now or wish you had your old life back. Look after your mental health and prevent things by taking things slowly. If you want something and you know it’s going to take some effort to get there, just make sure you don’t abandon yourself along the way. Love from someone who knows.

Xox

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