Now this one is going to sound a little cray cray, but please bare with me as I know the normal people out there and yes normal might I add, will completely understand what I’m talking about. It goes back to when there are many people who experience the same thing, it’s much easier to deal with where as when the many only become a few, it can be slightly more challenging.
As a trainee counsellor, we are required to have therapy, it’s to make sure we are completely sane and not damaging our clients with our own messed up nonsense. But also because the course itself completely messes you up in every way possible. If you analysed yourself for 2 years straight, you would also go a bit nuts.
However, in therapy recently, I talked a lot about feeling lost, and if you read my previous posts, you would know that moving out has completely thrown me into what I can only describe as the worst possible experience in my life when it comes to my mental health. I mean it makes sense considering my home of 26 years is now a place I can only visit.
Having anxiety is like being given multiple options but instead of being able to choose one easily, you have to listen to each opinion of what could be the right one in a short of amount of time whilst being told if you don’t make the right decision, the gun that’s held to your head is going to go off. It’s intense! I’ve always had different voices in my head, but don’t worry, I’ve had myself checked out and I do not belong in a psychiatric unit. These voices are all part of me, they all have different roles and depending on how I feel, when I wake up, any one of them can be in charge.
The rebellious side of me is the most fun, she literally doesn’t give a shit and often pushes boundaries. I often battle with her the most. I have a part of me that constantly keeps me in check and is often telling the rebellious side of me off, she gets uncomfortable with breaking rules and she’s generally the reason I have anxiety. I have a theatrical side, that loves to be on stage, she was out a lot back in my dancing years and she loved every second of it, she sometimes tries to make an appearance but then the annoying part of me comes back again telling me to check myself and rein it back in.
Whilst I might sound completely crackers and most would think, she needs help. This is all completely normal and I’m here to share and normalise what real life is all about. The minute my therapist shared his experience of how many voices he has, it instantly made me realise I’m not alone. I constantly struggle with making decisions and get scared if I make the wrong one. Uncomfortable Melissa gets in the way a lot and holds me back at times but she is there for a reason. She keeps me safe and stops me making a fool of myself. I’ve accepted each and every part of me and if you feel just like I do, then all I have to say is, you should too!
The saying used to go, one small voice in louder than a crowds, but in this instance, many voices are louder than one! Accept them all and life becomes that little bit easier.